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Linke art by Kuvshinov-Ilya, gen­ders by Tumblr

This piece is ded­i­cat­ed to the stun­ning and brave Sandy Beaches.

I remem­ber how much I loved play­ing The Legend of Zelda when I was a lit­tle girl (even though my par­ents always referred to me as a boy…). I recall with such won­der how fas­ci­nat­ing and empow­er­ing the expe­ri­ence was. Exploring such an amaz­ing world as a boy in a green dress. I decid­ed to go back and play the game again. My hope is to give it a com­plete­ly unbi­ased review from the per­spec­tive of nos­tal­gia and retro gam­ing and total­ly not from the typ­i­cal view of a trans wom­an.

Playing as the hero, Zelda, was quite empow­er­ing for young Jamie. Even though I was slight­ly put off by being told I would need a phal­lic object if I was going to “go alone.” Despite this, I did quite enjoy being able to put the big brown sword into all the gib­ber­ing mouth mon­sters I encoun­tered. As I delved into the first dun­geon, I became entranced by the tonal shift from the cheery music of the over­world to the tense tunes of the dark under­world. Forging through the evil cat­a­combs remind­ed me of every time I went to school and want­ed to stab mean­ies and bul­lies with a long, sharp, hard exten­sion of myself. I’m sure the aver­age gamer under­stands how that feels.

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The hero of our tale, Zelda

Unfortunately. I died sev­er­al times tra­vers­ing the first dun­geon and it made me quite upset after a while. However, I did man­age to per­se­vere despite the rag­ing misog­y­nis­tic bear crea­tures throw­ing their hate pro­jec­tiles at me. Happily I was able to slay the drag­on of het­ero­nor­ma­tiv­i­ty and claimed my first gold­en tri­an­gle, my first step on the path to self-completion. This was a great step to launch me on my adven­ture of explo­ration and self-discovery. Seeing var­i­ous land­scape and find­ing all sorts of new tools to use. As well as plen­ty of mouth crea­tures to stick my big brown sword into. I’m sure every per­fect­ly nor­mal gamer felt the same joy that I did.

Sadly there were some hic­cups as the game went on. Early on, I had to exchange my beau­ti­ful brown peni…sword for a white one which was sig­nif­i­cant­ly more pow­er­ful. It made me sad that Nintendo was being so racist. I also had to buy can­dles and bombs to pro­gress in the game which meant I had to sup­port cap­i­tal­ism, and I was hor­ri­fied that I had to use them to blow up peace­ful rocks and trees just to find more mon­ey. It made me feel like a filthy Republican. Though noth­ing could pre­pare me for the hor­ror that await­ed when I went to the third dun­geon and it was shaped like a swastika! At that point I couldn’t take all the hor­ri­ble cishetero­nor­ma­tive patri­ar­chal sym­bol­ism being shoved down my throat and I was ready to give up on the game. Fortunately I sto­ical­ly pushed on, because noth­ing is gained from run­ning away. After all, Samus nev­er ran from all the nasty mon­sters that attacked her for being a strong transwom­an. Besides I can’t real­ly give a good review of the game from a total­ly unbi­ased and free of trans­fem­i­nist ide­ol­o­gy view­point if I stop play­ing now.

Pushing on in the game proved dif­fi­cult. The mon­sters and puz­zles became far more chal­leng­ing as I pro­gressed, which felt unfair and obvi­ous­ly biased towards white male cishet gamers. Still, the expe­ri­ence reward­ed me for my per­se­ver­ance. Acquiring items like the rings which made Zelda’s dress change col­or, and a part where you just fed a pup­py rather than kill it, were quite reward­ing and refreshed my deter­mi­na­tion. Also get­ting bows and arrows and keys and lots of oth­er long pointy objects to stick in holes was quite empow­er­ing to a young gamer who is total­ly not bas­ing her views on ide­o­log­i­cal bias.

Getting to the final boss of the game was a chal­lenge in itself. The last dun­geon was an excru­ci­at­ing maze that made very lit­tle sense, and the dif­fi­cul­ty of the ene­mies was so bru­tal that it made me long for play­ing more access­able, nar­ra­tive dri­ven games like Sunset or Depression Quest.  The fight with Ganon was incred­i­ble though. Fighting a grue­some man­bearpig who veiled him­self in the dark­ness to hide from the awe­some light of my wom­an­hood was incred­i­ble and sym­bol­ic. It’s some­thing I think every gamer — who is total­ly not a bla­tant social jus­tice war­rior pre­tend­ing to be nor­mal so they can pass off a click­bait arti­cle as a legit­i­mate review — can agree on.

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When I entered the final room and found the princess I was dis­ap­point­ed to see that the game had end­ed in a typ­i­cal damsel in dis­tress trope, the very kind our lord and sav­ior Anita warned us about. Then as they held up the gold­en tri­an­gles togeth­er I real­ized that the princess was the grown up Zelda who had com­plet­ed xir tran­si­tion from mere­ly a boy in a dress to a full-fledged drag queen inde­pen­dent wom­an. I was amazed, thrilled, and joy­ful to come to that con­clu­sion and remem­bered how awe­some it felt when I real­ized Samus was trans as well. Truly it was one of the great­est days of my life, and I think any per­son who beat this game would under­stand how a total­ly nor­mal, not gen­der­biased, actu­al­ly hard­core gamer who isn’t des­per­ate­ly seek­ing val­i­da­tion for their ten­u­ous grasp on real­i­ty would feel the same.

Isn’t Nintendo amaz­ing? Back in the days of hate­ful cishetero­nor­ma­tive tran­sra­cial bash­ing patri­ar­chal cap­i­tal­ist white chris­tian impe­ri­al­is­tic oppres­sion, Nintendo was a shin­ing bea­con of light for the oppressed. Helping to tell our strug­gle and shit on white cishet males bring empow­er­ment to me dis­en­fran­chised minori­ties in every cor­ner of the globe. I think we should all praise Nintendo for cre­at­ing such a won­der­ful­ly inclu­sive char­ac­ter like Zelda, who has appeal that breaks all gen­der, racial, and social lines. Xir strug­gle for equal­i­ty and accep­tance will be her­ald­ed and praised for gen­er­a­tions to come!

And if you don’t agree with me you’re a white cishet MRA GamerGate shit­lord oppres­sor and you should be strung up in town square for rap­ing our safe spaces with your hor­ri­ble opin­ions… but I’m total­ly not biased or any­thing. Agatha RoseSatireCulture,Satire,ZeldaThis piece is ded­i­cat­ed to the stun­ning and brave Sandy Beaches. I remem­ber how much I loved play­ing The Legend of Zelda when I was a lit­tle girl (even though my par­ents always referred to me as a boy…). I recall with such won­der how fas­ci­nat­ing and empow­er­ing the expe­ri­ence…
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Jamie Agatha Rose
A beau­ti­ful pre­cious snowflake who is too super­nat­u­ral for pet­ty human minds to com­pre­hend. ~ Amateur Artist and Writer
Jamie Agatha Rose

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