Bizarre Altered History: Bear Khan
This is the first part of a series of works, a pilot if you will, to determine interest in satirical takes on history. This series — Bizarre Altered History — will follow a few rules initially:
First of all, two personalities will be mixed; with one taking the mantle of the previous.
In this example, Genghis Khan, or Tumijin of the Mongol Horde, and Paul “Bear” Bryant of the Crimson Tide Football team in Alabama.
The previous person of importance will give three things to the second.
In this example, Genghis Khan gave Paul three things: 11% of the world’s population destroyed, 12 million miles conquered, and a seeming invulnerability to ranged weapons.
The second person of importance will grow up until they take on the mantle of the previous personality.
In this example, Paul Bear Bryant becomes a blood thirsty warlord after a particularly peculiar game.
If this all works out, we’ll be seeing more of this series in the future! And now, without further ado:
Bear Khan, Pt. 1
Following a bizarre accident in which a member of the defense was decapitated, Paul “Bear” Bryant, a.k.a. Bear Khan, a.k.a. Genghis Khan, became the bloodthirstiest warlord known to the western hemisphere. His horde of the Crimson Tide ended up killing roughly 11% of the world’s population, composing most of the United States, Canada, and Russian populations (Or roughly 320 million people in the 60s) over a series of three hundred and twenty four battles while conscripting or enslaving those who survived into his horde of the Crimson Tide.
He conquered and held every American State, Canada, and some of Russia. He annexed roughly a territory range of 12 million square miles before he ended up dying of a heart attack somewhere in the Urals in the 70s.
But from where did such a bloodthirsty man come from?
Born the 11th of 12 children, and growing up in Fordyce, Arkansas, the man that would be known as Bear Khan took early to the game of football in the 8th grade. A decision that would bode ill for the rest of the Western hemisphere a mere thirty years later.
Alabaman horde legends would declare that Paul received his name of Bear Khan from out of legend. This was reflecting a creation story in which a red elephant made love to a white doe and created a Brown Bear. But surviving records of his time growing up showed that he in fact got the nickname from attempting to wrestle such a creature at a carnival.
His mother wanted him to be a minister, and he himself said that “Coaching is a lot like preaching.” After his change from football coach to Alabaman horde warleader, he often reflected that “Warfare is a lot like coaching.”
He had accepted a scholarship to play for Alabama in 1931, and played for two years before moving onto various coaching positions in North Carolina, University of Maryland, University of Kentucky, and Texas A&M. All before finally accepting that fateful position of coach for the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama.
All went well for the newly minted coach until a fateful decision was made after a particularly bloody game.
A curious decision to allow cavalry on the field of scrimmage by the NCAA was demanded whole-heartedly by Bear Bryant. This was following a positive response to his first game on the fields of Alabama in which a member of the defense had been decapitated; during an intense fumble a Crimson Tide player kicked the head off Furman Paladins player Charles Gay. His decapitated body began filling the field with blood, and awoke a bloodlust in Bryant.
A bloodlust that resulted in him ordering his players to overrun the Furman Paladins and stomp them half to death. This allowed him to win the game 29 to 3. Those Paladins that survived the enhanced scrimmage were allowed the chance to join him or die.
Most players — not wholly understanding the implications of this choice — were slain. The rest wisened up, and joined him.
Fans — fanatics as they became — were at first understandably perturbed by the direction Bryant decided to bring the game. But once they understood the implications for the Crimson Tide’s rankings, they whole-heartedly joined in on the post-game slaughter.
It was a massacre, with fans joining in on the resulting post-game win as players and fans alike pillaged and raped the surrounding countryside.
Some think the Crimson Tide horde began with this fateful request to allow cavalry on the field of scrimmage by Bryant. Others believe, when an unknown player had raided a nearby horse ranch of its horses ended up planting the idea in Bryant’s head.
Truly, it was neither.
The NCAA Rules Committee had a choice: Allow the 2 point conversion, or allow cavalry on the field. From seeing the TV advertisement money flow in after the Furman massacre they went with cavalry in a fateful decision that would see the end of the United States as they knew it in less than a decade.
His coaching turned to battle strategy seamlessly, and he sent out his various teams — a mere 100 players each at first — out into the surrounding states and universities to challenge them to a game of football or death. Most accepted, and were either crushed underfoot by cavalry, or were chased into the surrounding fields to die.
Battling eastwards, he conquered the states of Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia and Louisiana; adding these states and their populations to his conquered lands, warriors, and his burgeoning collection of slaves. This also increased the number of refugees that ran from his post-game celebrations.
But still he needed more power, and tactics to use on the field. Even with death all around he respected the NCAA, and what they represented. Even after he sent eleven riders to kidnap all eleven members of the committee.
Kidnapping the members of the NCAA, Bryant was well on the way to getting absolutely every new rule he ever wanted out of them in his bid to make football the best game the world had ever seen.
His armies marched westward, towards Texas, in hopes of crushing one of the few states that could muster a response to his teams and armies before he’d march on the Eastern seaboard.
Texas, despite their preparations in the form of thousands of Texan militia — Texas Rangers — and members of the NRA armed with rifles and assault rifles, had their defense stymied by Bryant’s adoption of silk and kevlar cavalry and player armour. This curiously managed to keep the enraged cavalrymen alive until they could claim a number of ears for their great Khan. From this engagement another rules adoption was placed in front of the NCAA: allowing the usage of rifles on the field, which they hastily accepted. His Crimson Tide subsequently defeated the Houston Cougars. Pledging allegiance to him, he deemed them the Crimson Cougars and they fought alongside the Crimson Tide.
Moving farther eastward, he conquered a bloody swath with his Crimson Paladins, Crimson Bulldogs, Crimson Volunteers, Crimson Waves, and Crimson Tide armies. Conquering Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Kentucky, Virginia, both the Carolinas, and fought all the way towards Maryland. His death toll, and warriors count rose in numbers, and it seemed he was truly unstoppable before finally invading Maine.
The Rose Bowl game for the Pentagon was one of the bloodiest; with hundreds of deaths on either side of the scrimmage. It promised to be a quagmire for the as yet unbeaten warlord. However, capturing the Chief of Staff made the battle worth it. Only a tenth of the defending team’s heads were spiked into the end-zone, out of respect for the bravery of the chief of staff’s ad-hoc defense and offense, and were made into another army of the Crimson Tide: The Crimson Pentagons.
Sending half his armies into Canada, with the new Crimson Pentagons leading the way into that frozen land, he wheeled about and conquered westward towards Ohio. All this while his armies on the Canadian front dealt with the strange, baffling, and alien rules the Canadians dealt with on a daily basis.
His commanders would, often in a fit of rage, outright destroy towns for failing to have a regulation field, or for having far too many downs in a single game. But conquering and warfare proceeded as normal, and millions continued to die.
His battles westward through New York, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Michigan were some of the bloodiest; his fanatics destroyed cities that had no teams. Decimating to the man in every town that refused to play after a few days of sieging.
The lack of walls in 1960s America contributed to many deaths from his slowly increasing hordes, initially. A coalition of the Western states pooled together resources to create the Great Wall of the Rocky Mountains, which held until the NCAA (under threat of being crushed under stonework) allowed the usage of artillery and explosives on the field of scrimmage.
This ended the use of the Great Wall as he went south briefly into Mexico with an army of sappers. They snuck around and then detonated a hole in the massive construction. This allowed his armies through to challenge the teams of the Western States, and the beginning of the end of the United States as a whole.
Roughly at this time Canada fell too after far too many games lost to the rampaging Crimson hordes. This cleared the way to Alaska after his armies conquered California, Oregon, and Washington in his push northward on the Western seaboard.
By the time his Crimson Horde reached Alaska, some 150 million people had been killed in all, with a mere forty million or so football fanatics, players, and slaves in the new Khanate. Yet, the “North of 60 Games” was about to begin, and Paul Bear Bryant was not about to be stopped. He was often quoted, “It’s all about guts” after wading through piles of the substance after a particularly reticent town refused to give in and surrender.
Much to their later detriment.
End of Part 1. Stay tuned for Part 2!
Latest posts by Michael Campbell (see all)
- imprint‑X Review or How to Train your Vaporwave Album — February 16, 2017
- Bizarre Altered History: Bear Khan — October 16, 2015
- Hatred Review (Or I’m On The Driveway to Hell) — September 15, 2015
