Bizarre Altered History: Bear Khan

This is the first part of a series of works, a pilot if you will, to deter­mine inter­est in satir­i­cal takes on his­to­ry. This series — Bizarre Altered History — will fol­low a few rules ini­tial­ly:

First of all, two per­son­al­i­ties will be mixed; with one tak­ing the mantle of the pre­vi­ous.

In this exam­ple, Genghis Khan, or Tumijin of the Mongol Horde, and Paul “Bear” Bryant of the Crimson Tide Football team in Alabama.

The pre­vi­ous per­son of impor­tance will give three things to the sec­ond.

In this exam­ple, Genghis Khan gave Paul three things: 11% of the world’s pop­u­la­tion destroyed, 12 mil­lion miles con­quered, and a seem­ing invul­ner­a­bil­i­ty to ranged weapons.

The sec­ond per­son of impor­tance will grow up until they take on the mantle of the pre­vi­ous per­son­al­i­ty.

In this exam­ple, Paul Bear Bryant becomes a blood thirsty war­lord after a par­tic­u­lar­ly pecu­liar game.

If this all works out, we’ll be see­ing more of this series in the future! And now, with­out fur­ther ado:


Bear Khan, Pt. 1

thijngy mathingy
Paul Bryant after his First Victory

Following a bizarre acci­dent in which a mem­ber of the defense was decap­i­tat­ed, Paul “Bear” Bryant, a.k.a. Bear Khan, a.k.a. Genghis Khan, became the blood­thirsti­est war­lord known to the west­ern hemi­sphere. His horde of the Crimson Tide end­ed up killing rough­ly 11% of the world’s pop­u­la­tion, com­pos­ing most of the United States, Canada, and Russian pop­u­la­tions (Or rough­ly 320 mil­lion peo­ple in the 60s) over a series of three hun­dred and twen­ty four bat­tles while con­script­ing or enslav­ing those who sur­vived into his horde of the Crimson Tide.

He con­quered and held every American State, Canada, and some of Russia. He annexed rough­ly a ter­ri­to­ry range of 12 mil­lion square miles before he end­ed up dying of a heart attack some­where in the Urals in the 70s.

But from where did such a blood­thirsty man come from?

Born the 11th of 12 chil­dren, and grow­ing up in Fordyce, Arkansas, the man that would be known as Bear Khan took ear­ly to the game of foot­ball in the 8th grade. A deci­sion that would bode ill for the rest of the Western hemi­sphere a mere thir­ty years lat­er.

Alabaman horde leg­ends would declare that Paul received his name of Bear Khan from out of leg­end. This was reflect­ing a cre­ation sto­ry in which a red ele­phant made love to a white doe and cre­at­ed a Brown Bear. But sur­viv­ing records of his time grow­ing up showed that he in fact got the nick­name from attempt­ing to wrestle such a crea­ture at a car­ni­val.

His moth­er want­ed him to be a min­is­ter, and he him­self said that “Coaching is a lot like preach­ing.” After his change from foot­ball coach to Alabaman horde war­lead­er, he often reflect­ed that “Warfare is a lot like coach­ing.”

He had accept­ed a schol­ar­ship to play for Alabama in 1931, and played for two years before mov­ing onto var­i­ous coach­ing posi­tions in North Carolina, University of Maryland, University of Kentucky, and Texas A&M. All before final­ly accept­ing that fate­ful posi­tion of coach for the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama.

All went well for the new­ly mint­ed coach until a fate­ful deci­sion was made after a par­tic­u­lar­ly bloody game.

A curi­ous deci­sion to allow cav­al­ry on the field of scrim­mage by the NCAA was demand­ed whole-heartedly by Bear Bryant. This was fol­low­ing a pos­i­tive respon­se to his first game on the fields of Alabama in which a mem­ber of the defense had been decap­i­tat­ed; dur­ing an intense fum­ble a Crimson Tide play­er kicked the head off Furman Paladins play­er Charles Gay. His decap­i­tat­ed body began fill­ing the field with blood, and awoke a blood­lust in Bryant.


A blood­lust that result­ed in him order­ing his play­ers to over­run the Furman Paladins and stomp them half to death. This allowed him to win the game 29 to 3. Those Paladins that sur­vived the enhanced scrim­mage were allowed the chance to join him or die.

Most play­ers — not whol­ly under­stand­ing the impli­ca­tions of this choice — were slain. The rest wis­ened up, and joined him.

Fans — fanat­ics as they became — were at first under­stand­ably per­turbed by the direc­tion Bryant decid­ed to bring the game. But once they under­stood the impli­ca­tions for the Crimson Tide’s rank­ings, they whole-heartedly joined in on the post-game slaugh­ter.

It was a mas­sacre, with fans join­ing in on the result­ing post-game win as play­ers and fans alike pil­laged and raped the sur­round­ing coun­tryside.

Some think the Crimson Tide horde began with this fate­ful request to allow cav­al­ry on the field of scrim­mage by Bryant. Others believe, when an unknown play­er had raid­ed a near­by horse ranch of its hors­es end­ed up plant­i­ng the idea in Bryant’s head.

Truly, it was nei­ther.

Game strategy drawn with white chalk on a blackboard.
Cavalry Flanking such as this was extreme­ly com­mon in the Early Games


The NCAA Rules Committee had a choice: Allow the 2 point con­ver­sion, or allow cav­al­ry on the field. From see­ing the TV adver­tise­ment mon­ey flow in after the Furman mas­sacre they went with cav­al­ry in a fate­ful deci­sion that would see the end of the United States as they knew it in less than a decade.1stbattle

His coach­ing turned to bat­tle strat­e­gy seam­less­ly, and he sent out his var­i­ous teams — a mere 100 play­ers each at first — out into the sur­round­ing states and uni­ver­si­ties to chal­lenge them to a game of foot­ball or death. Most accept­ed, and were either crushed under­foot by cav­al­ry, or were chased into the sur­round­ing fields to die.2ndbattle

Battling east­wards, he con­quered the states of Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia and Louisiana; adding the­se states and their pop­u­la­tions to his con­quered lands, war­riors, and his bur­geon­ing col­lec­tion of slaves. This also increased the num­ber of refugees that ran from his post-game cel­e­bra­tions.

But still he need­ed more pow­er, and tac­tics to use on the field. Even with death all around he respect­ed the NCAA, and what they rep­re­sent­ed. Even after he sent eleven rid­ers to kid­nap all eleven mem­bers of the com­mit­tee.

Kidnapping the mem­bers of the NCAA, Bryant was well on the way to get­ting absolute­ly every new rule he ever want­ed out of them in his bid to make foot­ball the best game the world had ever seen.3rdbattle

His armies marched west­ward, towards Texas, in hopes of crush­ing one of the few states that could muster a respon­se to his teams and armies before he’d march on the Eastern seaboard.

Texas, despite their prepa­ra­tions in the form of thou­sands of Texan mili­tia — Texas Rangers — and mem­bers of the NRA armed with rifles and assault rifles, had their defense stymied by Bryant’s adop­tion of silk and kevlar cav­al­ry and play­er armour. This curi­ous­ly man­aged to keep the enraged cav­al­ry­men alive until they could claim a num­ber of ears for their great Khan. From this engage­ment anoth­er rules adop­tion was placed in front of the NCAA: allow­ing the usage of rifles on the field, which they hasti­ly accept­ed. His Crimson Tide sub­se­quent­ly defeat­ed the Houston Cougars. Pledging alle­giance to him, he deemed them the Crimson Cougars and they fought alongside the Crimson Tide.4th

Moving far­ther east­ward, he con­quered a bloody swath with his Crimson Paladins, Crimson Bulldogs, Crimson Volunteers, Crimson Waves, and Crimson Tide armies. Conquering Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Kentucky, Virginia, both the Carolinas, and fought all the way towards Maryland. His death toll, and war­riors count rose in num­bers, and it seemed he was tru­ly unstop­pable before final­ly invad­ing Maine.

The Rose Bowl game for the Pentagon was one of the blood­i­est; with hun­dreds of deaths on either side of the scrim­mage. It promised to be a quag­mire for the as yet unbeat­en war­lord. However, cap­tur­ing the Chief of Staff made the bat­tle worth it. Only a ten­th of the defend­ing team’s heads were spiked into the end-zone, out of respect for the brav­ery of the chief of staff’s ad-hoc defense and offense, and were made into anoth­er army of the Crimson Tide: The Crimson Pentagons.

Sending half his armies into Canada, with the new Crimson Pentagons lead­ing the way into that frozen land, he wheeled about and con­quered west­ward towards Ohio. All this while his armies on the Canadian front dealt with the strange, baf­fling, and alien rules the Canadians dealt with on a dai­ly basis.5th

His com­man­ders would, often in a fit of rage, out­right destroy towns for fail­ing to have a reg­u­la­tion field, or for hav­ing far too many downs in a sin­gle game. But con­quer­ing and war­fare pro­ceed­ed as nor­mal, and mil­lions con­tin­ued to die.

His bat­tles west­ward through New York, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Michigan were some of the blood­i­est; his fanat­ics destroyed cities that had no teams. Decimating to the man in every town that refused to play after a few days of sieg­ing.6th

The lack of walls in 1960s America con­tribut­ed to many deaths from his slow­ly increas­ing hordes, ini­tial­ly. A coali­tion of the Western states pooled togeth­er resources to cre­ate the Great Wall of the Rocky Mountains, which held until the NCAA (under threat of being crushed under stonework) allowed the usage of artillery and explo­sives on the field of scrim­mage.7th

This end­ed the use of the Great Wall as he went south briefly into Mexico with an army of sap­pers. They snuck around and then det­o­nat­ed a hole in the mas­sive con­struc­tion. This allowed his armies through to chal­lenge the teams of the Western States, and the begin­ning of the end of the United States as a whole.

Roughly at this time Canada fell too after far too many games lost to the ram­pag­ing Crimson hordes. This cleared the way to Alaska after his armies con­quered California, Oregon, and Washington in his push north­ward on the Western seaboard.8th

By the time his Crimson Horde reached Alaska, some 150 mil­lion peo­ple had been killed in all, with a mere forty mil­lion or so foot­ball fanat­ics, play­ers, and slaves in the new Khanate. Yet, the “North of 60 Games” was about to begin, and Paul Bear Bryant was not about to be stopped. He was often quot­ed, “It’s all about guts” after wad­ing through piles of the sub­stance after a par­tic­u­lar­ly ret­i­cent town refused to give in and sur­ren­der.

Much to their lat­er detri­ment.

End of Part 1. Stay tuned for Part 2! CampbellOdds and EndsSatireBizarre Altered HistoryBizarre Altered History: Bear Khan This is the first part of a series of works, a pilot if you will, to deter­mine inter­est in satir­i­cal takes on his­to­ry. This series — Bizarre Altered History — will fol­low a few rules ini­tial­ly: First of all, two per­son­al­i­ties will be mixed; with one tak­ing the mantle of…
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Michael Campbell
My name is Michael Campbell. I am a bud­ding writer, pro­duc­er, and the content-manager for off-site opin­ion pieces. I focus on Early Access Game Reviews, Traditional Games Media (Primarily Pen & Paper Role-playing Games), Steam Games, Origin, and Indie Titles. My inter­ests include draw­ing real­ly ter­ri­bly, run­ning far too many RPG games a week and hor­ri­fy­ing my co-workers and friends. I also get real­ly angry on Twitter at injus­tice. I am also like­ly going to become a fix­ture in the edi­to­ri­al sec­tion of this site, due to the above anger. You can reach me at if you have ques­tions or com­ments; As well, you can reach me @EvilBobDALMYT on Twitter to see some of that anger in motion.
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