Bizarre Altered History: Bear Khan

Mike is here with a new series he hopes you enjoy! The satirical Bizarre Altered History. Join with Bear Khan, Part One

Bizarre Altered History: Bear Khan

This is the first part of a se­ries of works, a pi­lot if you will, to de­ter­mine in­ter­est in satir­i­cal takes on his­to­ry. This se­ries — Bizarre Altered History — will fol­low a few rules initially:

First of all, two per­son­al­i­ties will be mixed; with one tak­ing the man­tle of the previous.

In this ex­am­ple, Genghis Khan, or Tumijin of the Mongol Horde, and Paul “Bear” Bryant of the Crimson Tide Football team in Alabama.

The pre­vi­ous per­son of im­por­tance will give three things to the second.

In this ex­am­ple, Genghis Khan gave Paul three things: 11% of the world’s pop­u­la­tion de­stroyed, 12 mil­lion miles con­quered, and a seem­ing in­vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty to ranged weapons.

The sec­ond per­son of im­por­tance will grow up un­til they take on the man­tle of the pre­vi­ous personality.

In this ex­am­ple, Paul Bear Bryant be­comes a blood thirsty war­lord af­ter a par­tic­u­lar­ly pe­cu­liar game.

If this all works out, we’ll be see­ing more of this se­ries in the fu­ture! And now, with­out fur­ther ado:


Bear Khan, Pt. 1

thijngy mathingy
Paul Bryant af­ter his First Victory

Following a bizarre ac­ci­dent in which a mem­ber of the de­fense was de­cap­i­tat­ed, Paul “Bear” Bryant, a.k.a. Bear Khan, a.k.a. Genghis Khan, be­came the blood­thirsti­est war­lord known to the west­ern hemi­sphere. His horde of the Crimson Tide end­ed up killing rough­ly 11% of the world’s pop­u­la­tion, com­pos­ing most of the United States, Canada, and Russian pop­u­la­tions (Or rough­ly 320 mil­lion peo­ple in the 60s) over a se­ries of three hun­dred and twen­ty four bat­tles while con­script­ing or en­slav­ing those who sur­vived into his horde of the Crimson Tide.

He con­quered and held every American State, Canada, and some of Russia. He an­nexed rough­ly a ter­ri­to­ry range of 12 mil­lion square miles be­fore he end­ed up dy­ing of a heart at­tack some­where in the Urals in the 70s.

But from where did such a blood­thirsty man come from?

Born the 11th of 12 chil­dren, and grow­ing up in Fordyce, Arkansas, the man that would be known as Bear Khan took ear­ly to the game of foot­ball in the 8th grade. A de­ci­sion that would bode ill for the rest of the Western hemi­sphere a mere thir­ty years later.

Alabaman horde leg­ends would de­clare that Paul re­ceived his name of Bear Khan from out of leg­end. This was re­flect­ing a cre­ation sto­ry in which a red ele­phant made love to a white doe and cre­at­ed a Brown Bear. But sur­viv­ing records of his time grow­ing up showed that he in fact got the nick­name from at­tempt­ing to wres­tle such a crea­ture at a carnival.

His moth­er want­ed him to be a min­is­ter, and he him­self said that “Coaching is a lot like preach­ing.” After his change from foot­ball coach to Alabaman horde war­leader, he of­ten re­flect­ed that “Warfare is a lot like coaching.”

He had ac­cept­ed a schol­ar­ship to play for Alabama in 1931, and played for two years be­fore mov­ing onto var­i­ous coach­ing po­si­tions in North Carolina, University of Maryland, University of Kentucky, and Texas A&M. All be­fore fi­nal­ly ac­cept­ing that fate­ful po­si­tion of coach for the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama.

All went well for the new­ly mint­ed coach un­til a fate­ful de­ci­sion was made af­ter a par­tic­u­lar­ly bloody game.

A cu­ri­ous de­ci­sion to al­low cav­al­ry on the field of scrim­mage by the NCAA was de­mand­ed whole-heartedly by Bear Bryant. This was fol­low­ing a pos­i­tive re­sponse to his first game on the fields of Alabama in which a mem­ber of the de­fense had been de­cap­i­tat­ed; dur­ing an in­tense fum­ble a Crimson Tide play­er kicked the head off Furman Paladins play­er Charles Gay. His de­cap­i­tat­ed body be­gan fill­ing the field with blood, and awoke a blood­lust in Bryant.


A blood­lust that re­sult­ed in him or­der­ing his play­ers to over­run the Furman Paladins and stomp them half to death. This al­lowed him to win the game 29 to 3. Those Paladins that sur­vived the en­hanced scrim­mage were al­lowed the chance to join him or die.

Most play­ers — not whol­ly un­der­stand­ing the im­pli­ca­tions of this choice — were slain. The rest wis­ened up, and joined him.

Fans — fa­nat­ics as they be­came — were at first un­der­stand­ably per­turbed by the di­rec­tion Bryant de­cid­ed to bring the game. But once they un­der­stood the im­pli­ca­tions for the Crimson Tide’s rank­ings, they whole-heartedly joined in on the post-game slaughter.

It was a mas­sacre, with fans join­ing in on the re­sult­ing post-game win as play­ers and fans alike pil­laged and raped the sur­round­ing countryside.

Some think the Crimson Tide horde be­gan with this fate­ful re­quest to al­low cav­al­ry on the field of scrim­mage by Bryant. Others be­lieve, when an un­known play­er had raid­ed a near­by horse ranch of its hors­es end­ed up plant­i­ng the idea in Bryant’s head.

Truly, it was neither.

Game strategy drawn with white chalk on a blackboard.
Cavalry Flanking such as this was ex­treme­ly com­mon in the Early Games


The NCAA Rules Committee had a choice: Allow the 2 point con­ver­sion, or al­low cav­al­ry on the field. From see­ing the TV ad­ver­tise­ment mon­ey flow in af­ter the Furman mas­sacre they went with cav­al­ry in a fate­ful de­ci­sion that would see the end of the United States as they knew it in less than a decade.1stbattle

His coach­ing turned to bat­tle strat­e­gy seam­less­ly, and he sent out his var­i­ous teams — a mere 100 play­ers each at first — out into the sur­round­ing states and uni­ver­si­ties to chal­lenge them to a game of foot­ball or death. Most ac­cept­ed, and were ei­ther crushed un­der­foot by cav­al­ry, or were chased into the sur­round­ing fields to die.2ndbattle

Battling east­wards, he con­quered the states of Tennessee, Mississippi, Georgia and Louisiana; adding these states and their pop­u­la­tions to his con­quered lands, war­riors, and his bur­geon­ing col­lec­tion of slaves. This also in­creased the num­ber of refugees that ran from his post-game celebrations.

But still he need­ed more pow­er, and tac­tics to use on the field. Even with death all around he re­spect­ed the NCAA, and what they rep­re­sent­ed. Even af­ter he sent eleven rid­ers to kid­nap all eleven mem­bers of the committee.

Kidnapping the mem­bers of the NCAA, Bryant was well on the way to get­ting ab­solute­ly every new rule he ever want­ed out of them in his bid to make foot­ball the best game the world had ever seen.3rdbattle

His armies marched west­ward, to­wards Texas, in hopes of crush­ing one of the few states that could muster a re­sponse to his teams and armies be­fore he’d march on the Eastern seaboard.

Texas, de­spite their prepa­ra­tions in the form of thou­sands of Texan mili­tia — Texas Rangers — and mem­bers of the NRA armed with ri­fles and as­sault ri­fles, had their de­fense stymied by Bryant’s adop­tion of silk and kevlar cav­al­ry and play­er ar­mour. This cu­ri­ous­ly man­aged to keep the en­raged cav­al­ry­men alive un­til they could claim a num­ber of ears for their great Khan. From this en­gage­ment an­oth­er rules adop­tion was placed in front of the NCAA: al­low­ing the us­age of ri­fles on the field, which they hasti­ly ac­cept­ed. His Crimson Tide sub­se­quent­ly de­feat­ed the Houston Cougars. Pledging al­le­giance to him, he deemed them the Crimson Cougars and they fought along­side the Crimson Tide.4th

Moving far­ther east­ward, he con­quered a bloody swath with his Crimson Paladins, Crimson Bulldogs, Crimson Volunteers, Crimson Waves, and Crimson Tide armies. Conquering Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Kentucky, Virginia, both the Carolinas, and fought all the way to­wards Maryland. His death toll, and war­riors count rose in num­bers, and it seemed he was tru­ly un­stop­pable be­fore fi­nal­ly in­vad­ing Maine.

The Rose Bowl game for the Pentagon was one of the blood­i­est; with hun­dreds of deaths on ei­ther side of the scrim­mage. It promised to be a quag­mire for the as yet un­beat­en war­lord. However, cap­tur­ing the Chief of Staff made the bat­tle worth it. Only a tenth of the de­fend­ing team’s heads were spiked into the end-zone, out of re­spect for the brav­ery of the chief of staff’s ad-hoc de­fense and of­fense, and were made into an­oth­er army of the Crimson Tide: The Crimson Pentagons.

Sending half his armies into Canada, with the new Crimson Pentagons lead­ing the way into that frozen land, he wheeled about and con­quered west­ward to­wards Ohio. All this while his armies on the Canadian front dealt with the strange, baf­fling, and alien rules the Canadians dealt with on a dai­ly basis.5th

His com­man­ders would, of­ten in a fit of rage, out­right de­stroy towns for fail­ing to have a reg­u­la­tion field, or for hav­ing far too many downs in a sin­gle game. But con­quer­ing and war­fare pro­ceed­ed as nor­mal, and mil­lions con­tin­ued to die.

His bat­tles west­ward through New York, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Michigan were some of the blood­i­est; his fa­nat­ics de­stroyed cities that had no teams. Decimating to the man in every town that re­fused to play af­ter a few days of sieging.6th

The lack of walls in 1960s America con­tributed to many deaths from his slow­ly in­creas­ing hordes, ini­tial­ly. A coali­tion of the Western states pooled to­geth­er re­sources to cre­ate the Great Wall of the Rocky Mountains, which held un­til the NCAA (un­der threat of be­ing crushed un­der stonework) al­lowed the us­age of ar­tillery and ex­plo­sives on the field of scrimmage.7th

This end­ed the use of the Great Wall as he went south briefly into Mexico with an army of sap­pers. They snuck around and then det­o­nat­ed a hole in the mas­sive con­struc­tion. This al­lowed his armies through to chal­lenge the teams of the Western States, and the be­gin­ning of the end of the United States as a whole.

Roughly at this time Canada fell too af­ter far too many games lost to the ram­pag­ing Crimson hordes. This cleared the way to Alaska af­ter his armies con­quered California, Oregon, and Washington in his push north­ward on the Western seaboard.8th

By the time his Crimson Horde reached Alaska, some 150 mil­lion peo­ple had been killed in all, with a mere forty mil­lion or so foot­ball fa­nat­ics, play­ers, and slaves in the new Khanate. Yet, the “North of 60 Games” was about to be­gin, and Paul Bear Bryant was not about to be stopped. He was of­ten quot­ed, “It’s all about guts” af­ter wad­ing through piles of the sub­stance af­ter a par­tic­u­lar­ly ret­i­cent town re­fused to give in and surrender.

Much to their lat­er detriment.

End of Part 1. Stay tuned for Part 2!

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My name is Michael Campbell. I am a bud­ding writer, pro­duc­er, and the content-manager for off-site opin­ion pieces. I fo­cus on Early Access Game Reviews, Traditional Games Media (Primarily Pen & Paper Role-playing Games), Steam Games, Origin, and Indie Titles. My in­ter­ests in­clude draw­ing re­al­ly ter­ri­bly, run­ning far too many RPG games a week and hor­ri­fy­ing my co-workers and friends. I also get re­al­ly an­gry on Twitter at in­jus­tice. I am also like­ly go­ing to be­come a fix­ture in the ed­i­to­r­i­al sec­tion of this site, due to the above anger. You can reach me at if you have ques­tions or com­ments; As well, you can reach me @EvilBobDALMYT on Twitter to see some of that anger in motion.

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