GraveHeader

Social jus­tice ad­vo­cates re­joice for I am pleased to an­nounce that there is a brand new ob­scure macroa­gres­sion we can now be out­raged about and it’s called “Grave Standing!” The de­f­i­n­i­tion of Grave Standing is ex­press­ing con­do­lences to the re­cent­ly de­ceased. It is meant to show how by ex­press­ing your sadness/respects you are ac­tu­al­ly an aw­ful per­son. Now you might think this sounds such a ridicu­lous thing to be of­fend­ed by, and that even Yale and Mizzou pro­tes­tors would go, “Wow, they got up­set over that? What over‐sensitive snowflakes!” But let me ex­plain that this isn’t as mo­ron­ic as it first sounds. Expressing con­do­lences for those who passed is tru­ly op­press­ing and ex­ploit­ing those peo­ple.

This great new “I’m of­fend­ed, so I’ll cry about it on the Internet” fad start­ed when friends and ac­quain­tances tweet­ed out var­i­ous sym­pa­thies and mes­sages about per­sons who died. Usually no one would bat an eye­lid, but as with most things these days, some very spe­cial peo­ple got of­fend­ed. Of course they had amaz­ing rea­sons to be an­gry, and I will try go through all of them.

  1. You Can’t Associate Person With that Group They Were In!”

When you make men­tion of someone’s death it’s com­plete­ly dis­re­spect­ful to as­so­ciate them with any group that they were part of in their life. I mean who does that? Look at this com­plete lack of dis­re­spect:

HiUUUXQ

How dare they men­tion their group while talk­ing about the man. What scum! In this post hu­mous tweet about him they even used a hash­tag! I don’t care if he was a part of this grou, one should only talk about the per­son and nev­er men­tion what they did in their life. I was hor­ri­fied to find count­less sport­ing clubs and oth­er or­ga­ni­za­tions all over the world send RIP mes­sages re­gard­ing mem­bers men­tion­ing the deceased’s as­so­ci­a­tion. Despicable!

  1. You Can’t Mention Yourself In the Message!”

Absolutely right. When you give your con­do­lences, pre­tend you nev­er even knew the per­son. I don’t care if you knew them in real life, it’s just tacky to say that this per­son was a friend of yours, that you liked them, and will miss them. Can you imag­ine men­tion­ing your­self in a tweet about some­one else dy­ing? Look at this:

mKPV4rh

I’m sur­prised peo­ple didn’t get moral­ly out­raged and write a piece about this blas­phe­mous tweet!

  1. You’re Profiting From Their Death!”

Everyone knows tweets are where the real mon­ey is at. You write a tweet, es­pe­cial­ly with a hastag, and that’s cash mon­ey straight in the bank. When you get retweets, your so­cial me­dia points go through the roof. You’ll be down­ing French cham­pagne on a yacht do­ing blow off the breasts of high priced es­corts quick­er than you’ll fin­ish­ing cy­ber­ing on­line. So what’s the best way to get to the promised land? Condolence mes­sages. That’s heart and retweet city. You gain far more fi­nan­cial re­wards from tweets then mul­ti­ple mon­e­tized ar­ti­cles.

  1. You’re Doing This for Fame and Notoriety!”

It’s true, and we all know this. The mo­ment any­one tweets about death it’s al­ways for fame. Did you see all those peo­ple tweet about David Bowie and Alan Rickman re­cent­ly? What fame chas­ing de­gen­er­ates. To prove my point look at this fame chas­er:

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Look at those retweets and likes. He must have got so much prof­it from that tweet. The only rea­son he tweet­ed that was fame and no­to­ri­ety.

I think the is­sue the per­pet­u­al­ly of­fend­ed have was maybe they paid for a pro­mot­ed con­do­lence tweet so every­one could see. Well I guess they didn’t ac­tu­al­ly do that, but maybe they went around beg­ging every­one to spread the news for their fundrais­er tweet. Well… they didn’t do that ei­ther, so I guess they got more fa­mous to the peo­ple who know them and fol­low them al­ready? These mon­sters! Those no­to­ri­ety chasers!

Hey you! Yeah you! That per­son who tweets on twit­ter! I know what you’re do­ing tweet­ing, you at­ten­tion whore! You didn’t re­al­ly mean to show your re­spects at all, you meant to get fa­mous by tweet­ing those re­spects! Well I’ll show you! You are get­ting called out in the harsh light of pub­lic!

This is the core ar­gu­ments why Grave Standing is a hor­ri­ble crime that should be vi­o­la­tion of the Geneva Convention. Now that I’m done ex­plain­ing I’m sure you have seen how com­plete­ly ra­tio­nal and sane it is to be out­raged, of­fend­ed, and cry over the tweets that those mon­sters com­mit­ted. We want to live in a world where the next time some­one sends con­do­lences over so­cial me­dia they get doxed and lose their job. Our sad feel­ings over oth­er peo­ple show­ing their sad feel­ings can be pre­vent­ed. Together we can make it hap­pen.

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Nick Soapdish
If I didn’t have a fam­i­ly to feed I’d spend all my mon­ey on video games and ani­me fig­ures. Satirist.
Nick Soapdish

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