Social justice advocates rejoice for I am pleased to announce that there is a brand new obscure macroagression we can now be outraged about and it’s called “Grave Standing!” The definition of Grave Standing is expressing condolences to the recently deceased. It is meant to show how by expressing your sadness/respects you are actually an awful person. Now you might think this sounds such a ridiculous thing to be offended by, and that even Yale and Mizzou protestors would go, “Wow, they got upset over that? What over-sensitive snowflakes!” But let me explain that this isn’t as moronic as it first sounds. Expressing condolences for those who passed is truly oppressing and exploiting those people.

This great new “I’m offended, so I’ll cry about it on the Internet” fad started when friends and acquaintances tweeted out various sympathies and messages about persons who died. Usually no one would bat an eyelid, but as with most things these days, some very special people got offended. Of course they had amazing reasons to be angry, and I will try go through all of them.

  1. “You Can’t Associate Person With that Group They Were In!”

When you make mention of someone’s death it’s completely disrespectful to associate them with any group that they were part of in their life. I mean who does that? Look at this complete lack of disrespect:


How dare they mention their group while talking about the man. What scum! In this post humous tweet about him they even used a hashtag! I don’t care if he was a part of this grou, one should only talk about the person and never mention what they did in their life. I was horrified to find countless sporting clubs and other organizations all over the world send RIP messages regarding members mentioning the deceased’s association. Despicable!

  1. “You Can’t Mention Yourself In the Message!”

Absolutely right. When you give your condolences, pretend you never even knew the person. I don’t care if you knew them in real life, it’s just tacky to say that this person was a friend of yours, that you liked them, and will miss them. Can you imagine mentioning yourself in a tweet about someone else dying? Look at this:


I’m surprised people didn’t get morally outraged and write a piece about this blasphemous tweet!

  1. “You’re Profiting From Their Death!”

Everyone knows tweets are where the real money is at. You write a tweet, especially with a hastag, and that’s cash money straight in the bank. When you get retweets, your social media points go through the roof. You’ll be downing French champagne on a yacht doing blow off the breasts of high priced escorts quicker than you’ll finishing cybering online. So what’s the best way to get to the promised land? Condolence messages. That’s heart and retweet city. You gain far more financial rewards from tweets then multiple monetized articles.

  1. “You’re Doing This for Fame and Notoriety!”

It’s true, and we all know this. The moment anyone tweets about death it’s always for fame. Did you see all those people tweet about David Bowie and Alan Rickman recently? What fame chasing degenerates. To prove my point look at this fame chaser:


Look at those retweets and likes. He must have got so much profit from that tweet. The only reason he tweeted that was fame and notoriety.

I think the issue the perpetually offended have was maybe they paid for a promoted condolence tweet so everyone could see. Well I guess they didn’t actually do that, but maybe they went around begging everyone to spread the news for their fundraiser tweet. Well… they didn’t do that either, so I guess they got more famous to the people who know them and follow them already? These monsters! Those notoriety chasers!

Hey you! Yeah you! That person who tweets on twitter! I know what you’re doing tweeting, you attention whore! You didn’t really mean to show your respects at all, you meant to get famous by tweeting those respects! Well I’ll show you! You are getting called out in the harsh light of public!

This is the core arguments why Grave Standing is a horrible crime that should be violation of the Geneva Convention. Now that I’m done explaining I’m sure you have seen how completely rational and sane it is to be outraged, offended, and cry over the tweets that those monsters committed. We want to live in a world where the next time someone sends condolences over social media they get doxed and lose their job. Our sad feelings over other people showing their sad feelings can be prevented. Together we can make it happen.

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Nick Soapdish
If I didn't have a family to feed I'd spend all my money on video games and anime figures. Satirist.