Translating Tumblr — The Lifting Fandom


Once upon a time there was a young man named David Karp who had a dream to build a site for artists to share their work among oth­er artists. Nowadays it’s a con­fus­ing labyrinth of made up gen­ders and of­fend­ed thir­teen year olds cry­ing in cor­ners, slam­ming their fists on key­boards hav­ing a “pan­ic at­tack”. Karp meant well, but now his beloved cre­ation has eat­en it­self alive. Now he cries on the ground by the en­trance of the labyrinth.

 Pat him on the head when you en­ter the gates and hold your be­long­ings close, I’ll tell you why lat­er, I’ll be your guide through this. Walk in. Yes, it’s bar­ren. but that’s be­cause you just start­ed! It’s just as bar­ren lat­er as it is now but with more peo­ple! How does that work? You’ll see, I promise. This part of our ad­ven­ture has to do with a fan­dom. Not just any fan­dom how­ev­er. But the Lifting Fandom. Is your purse still closed? All your things still in there? Good. Keep your eye on it. This is where these peo­ple live. It’s dan­ger­ous here.

 These peo­ple suf­fer from se­vere klep­to­ma­nia. They re­al­ly need help. Around June or July a user com­piled a list of “Lifters” and post­ed it on their blog caus­ing many of these nerds to scram­ble, de­ac­ti­vat­ing ac­counts and mak­ing up ex­cus­es. My fa­vorite ex­cuse was “I’m do­ing it for cos­play!”. Ok hun­ny, ok. I’m sure this nice po­lice­man will un­der­stand. Nowadays there are poe ac­counts. Recently made blogs are sketchy as to whether or not they’re the real thing. Some of the orig­i­nal blogs are still up and still run­ning. Hey! That one’s try­ing to snatch your shoes! Kick it! That’s what you get for not pay­ing at­ten­tion.

Let’s keep go­ing. Here’s one now. This one is harm­less. It’s just sit­ting here scratch­ing the wall a lit­tle.


Oh sweet Lord above. Here comes an­oth­er. That one is in shack­les.


Well there’s the an­swer for the first one. Maybe they’ll take this as tip.


The fun­ny thing is that some­times home­less peo­ple or peo­ple strug­gling to eat will steal food just so they don’t die. But these are usu­al­ly mid­dle class white kids from ages rough­ly 15 – 22. They aren’t strug­gling, not like the sin­gle dad feed­ing his two kids. But, uh, fuck cap­i­tal­ism I guess…But se­ri­ous­ly, they have no ex­tra mouths to feed. You can’t feed some­one with a hair­brush like this one up ahead..


Keep your eyes down. keep walk­ing.

Damnit, didn’t you hear me?! Keep go­ing! Don’t lis­ten to the de­gen­er­ates! Wanna know what they call this shit? Hauls. they call it their fuck­ing hauls. They’ll be the rea­son soon we have to ask an em­ploy­ee at a store to un­lock fuck­ing every­thing to get to it. They don’t give a shit about the dam­age they do to the work­ers. The work­ers will of­ten lose their fuck­ing jobs! But do these kids care? No! They’re a bunch of stu­pid teenagers! And they’re so cocky! They think they won’t be caught. You wan­na know what one said when told they were be­ing re­port­ed to the po­lice? “ooh that’s to­tal­l­ly gonna happ­pennn” like shut the fuck up, kid.

*Grabs your hand* We need to get out of here. Now. Before the real cra­zies show up.

D‑do you hear that rum­bling? Shh!.….oh no….





Jump over there! Into that al­cove!

Oh God, we’re safe here. Whew. It’ll be ok here. Rest up. You’ll need your strength for the next leg of our jour­ney.

The fol­low­ing two tabs change con­tent be­low.
Catelyn Winters
The old­est 12 year old. Also buy my mix­tape at
Catelyn Winters

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