Translating Tumblr — The Lifting Fandom

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Once upon a time there was a young man named David Karp who had a dream to build a site for artists to share their work among oth­er artists. Nowadays it’s a con­fus­ing labyrinth of made up gen­ders and of­fend­ed thir­teen year olds cry­ing in cor­ners, slam­ming their fists on key­boards hav­ing a “pan­ic at­tack”. Karp meant well, but now his beloved cre­ation has eat­en it­self alive. Now he cries on the ground by the en­trance of the labyrinth. 

 Pat him on the head when you en­ter the gates and hold your be­long­ings close, I’ll tell you why lat­er, I’ll be your guide through this. Walk in. Yes, it’s bar­ren. but that’s be­cause you just start­ed! It’s just as bar­ren lat­er as it is now but with more peo­ple! How does that work? You’ll see, I promise. This part of our ad­ven­ture has to do with a fan­dom. Not just any fan­dom how­ev­er. But the Lifting Fandom. Is your purse still closed? All your things still in there? Good. Keep your eye on it. This is where these peo­ple live. It’s dan­ger­ous here. 

 These peo­ple suf­fer from se­vere klep­to­ma­nia. They re­al­ly need help. Around June or July a user com­piled a list of “Lifters” and post­ed it on their blog caus­ing many of these nerds to scram­ble, de­ac­ti­vat­ing ac­counts and mak­ing up ex­cus­es. My fa­vorite ex­cuse was “I’m do­ing it for cos­play!”. Ok hun­ny, ok. I’m sure this nice po­lice­man will un­der­stand. Nowadays there are poe ac­counts. Recently made blogs are sketchy as to whether or not they’re the real thing. Some of the orig­i­nal blogs are still up and still run­ning. Hey! That one’s try­ing to snatch your shoes! Kick it! That’s what you get for not pay­ing attention. 

Let’s keep go­ing. Here’s one now. This one is harm­less. It’s just sit­ting here scratch­ing the wall a little.

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Oh sweet Lord above. Here comes an­oth­er. That one is in shackles.

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Well there’s the an­swer for the first one. Maybe they’ll take this as tip.

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The fun­ny thing is that some­times home­less peo­ple or peo­ple strug­gling to eat will steal food just so they don’t die. But these are usu­al­ly mid­dle class white kids from ages rough­ly 15 – 22. They aren’t strug­gling, not like the sin­gle dad feed­ing his two kids. But, uh, fuck cap­i­tal­ism I guess…But se­ri­ous­ly, they have no ex­tra mouths to feed. You can’t feed some­one with a hair­brush like this one up ahead..

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Keep your eyes down. keep walking.

Damnit, didn’t you hear me?! Keep go­ing! Don’t lis­ten to the de­gen­er­ates! Wanna know what they call this shit? Hauls. they call it their fuck­ing hauls. They’ll be the rea­son soon we have to ask an em­ploy­ee at a store to un­lock fuck­ing every­thing to get to it. They don’t give a shit about the dam­age they do to the work­ers. The work­ers will of­ten lose their fuck­ing jobs! But do these kids care? No! They’re a bunch of stu­pid teenagers! And they’re so cocky! They think they won’t be caught. You wan­na know what one said when told they were be­ing re­port­ed to the po­lice? “ooh that’s to­tal­l­ly gonna happ­pennn” like shut the fuck up, kid. 

*Grabs your hand* We need to get out of here. Now. Before the real cra­zies show up. 

D‑do you hear that rum­bling? Shh!.….oh no….

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RUN!

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LOOK OUT!

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Jump over there! Into that alcove! 

Oh God, we’re safe here. Whew. It’ll be ok here. Rest up. You’ll need your strength for the next leg of our journey. 

The fol­low­ing two tabs change con­tent below.
The old­est 12 year old. Also buy my mix­tape at http://supernerdlandia.tumblr.com/

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