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A new United Nations Report has stat­ed that “cy­ber touch is rec­og­nized as equal­ly as harm­ful as phys­i­cal touch.” This view ap­par­ent­ly came about af­ter The U.N. Security Council fin­ished watch­ing the first sea­son of the ani­me Sword Art Online. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki‐moon made this state­ment:

 

After the rep­re­sen­ta­tive for Japan brought in this amaz­ing doc­u­men­tary we were hooked and marathoned it in 2 days. Thankfully our to­tal ir­rel­e­van­cy and in­ef­fec­tive­ness in the world has giv­en us plen­ty of free time. Being old­er we don’t know much about com­put­ers so we were amazed to dis­cov­er that peo­ple who die in the vir­tu­al world die in the real world!

When we re­al­ized there are thou­sands of boys and girls who are dy­ing when their on‐line avatars are killed in com­bat we knew we need­ed to take de­ci­sive ac­tion like only the U.N. can. So we took a vote and the se­cu­ri­ty coun­cil and over­whelm­ing­ly 99% of the Council de­cid­ed to start the 2nd sea­son of SAO. The vote was al­most unan­i­mous but Saudi Arabia want­ed to watch Shimoneta in­stead.

We are ex­treme­ly con­cerned of the cy­ber vi­o­lence and real world vi­o­lence equiv­a­len­cy. For many of the coun­cil their pri­ma­ry goal is elim­i­nat­ing vir­tu­al at­tacks on women to pro­tect the ‘lai­fus of their wai­fus’. For ex­am­ple the rep­re­sen­ta­tive for Belgium stat­ed, ‘Asuna is a beau­ti­ful cin­na­mon roll too pure for both the real and vir­tu­al worlds and her smile must be pro­tect­ed at all costs.’”

Ban Ki‐moon says that the next ac­tion item that the U.N. will ad­dress is track­ing down the vig­i­lante crim­i­nal Kira be­fore he can claim more vic­tims with his Shinigami note­book.

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Nick Soapdish
If I didn’t have a fam­i­ly to feed I’d spend all my mon­ey on video games and ani­me fig­ures. Satirist.
Nick Soapdish

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