A new United Nations Report has stated that “cyber touch is recognized as equally as harmful as physical touch.” This view apparently came about after The U.N. Security Council finished watching the first season of the anime Sword Art Online. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon made this statement:


“After the representative for Japan brought in this amazing documentary we were hooked and marathoned it in 2 days. Thankfully our total irrelevancy and ineffectiveness in the world has given us plenty of free time. Being older we don’t know much about computers so we were amazed to discover that people who die in the virtual world die in the real world!

When we realized there are thousands of boys and girls who are dying when their on-line avatars are killed in combat we knew we needed to take decisive action like only the U.N. can. So we took a vote and the security council and overwhelmingly 99% of the Council decided to start the 2nd season of SAO. The vote was almost unanimous but Saudi Arabia wanted to watch Shimoneta instead.

We are extremely concerned of the cyber violence and real world violence equivalency. For many of the council their primary goal is eliminating virtual attacks on women to protect the ‘laifus of their waifus’. For example the representative for Belgium stated, ‘Asuna is a beautiful cinnamon roll too pure for both the real and virtual worlds and her smile must be protected at all costs.'”

Ban Ki-moon says that the next action item that the U.N. will address is tracking down the vigilante criminal Kira before he can claim more victims with his Shinigami notebook.

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Nick Soapdish
If I didn't have a family to feed I'd spend all my money on video games and anime figures. Satirist.