Translating Tumblr: Thanksgiving


It’s time for that weird hol­i­day episode where every­thing that hap­pens here is un­re­lat­ed to — and out­side of  — the plot of our reg­u­lar Tumblr Adventures™ and will nev­er be men­tioned again. Like it nev­er hap­pened! Kind of like most folks wish their Thanksgivings were.

Wake up! It’s Thanksgiving! What? Why would you ask for turkey? We’re in a fuck­ing labyrinth. Do you see a shop­ping cen­ter around here? Didn’t think so. Check your priv­i­lege. Besides, you don’t want to say that around here any­way. Shh, just, shhh. Look out of the win­dow, I hear some­one coming.


Yep. That’s why. There goes an­oth­er one!


You al­most stepped right into White Guilt droppings.


Yes! Argue with your fam­i­ly over a hol­i­day! Nobody will wish they could un­in­vite you right about now! Especially if it’s some Tumblr Brand racist com­ment that isn’t even racist and you’re bitch­ing be­cause some­one said, “This turkey sure is over­cooked. It’s way too black.” 

I can­not even be­gin to ad­dress the stu­pid on that one. Speaking of history… 


Ok, I un­der­stand that American schools for some rea­son typ­i­cal­ly teach that Columbus land­ed on the North American main­lands but it’s wrong. They ac­tu­al­ly do teach oth­er­wise lat­er on in mid­dle and high school, but this tends to per­sist still in el­e­men­tary lev­el school­ing. He land­ed in Cuba, how­ev­er. TOPICAL! History les­son over. We have to move. Look down, don’t make eye con­tact, and try to blend in with the crowd. Follow me.


Harvest fes­ti­vals are neat and all but, re­al­ly? Yes, I re­mem­ber the sto­ries my grand­ma used to tell me about how the pil­grims sat down with the na­tives on the first Thanksgiving and just fuck­ing mur­dered them right there in cold blood and their en­tire families.


I love char­i­ty, so this one gets a pass. For now. I told you, don’t make eye con­tact! Oh God! Someone is com­ing over. Be cool.


I know, I know. They’re mak­ing it about them­selves. Just grit and bear it til they walk away. Quick, throw this bath bomb! Now run!


Damn it. Ran into an­oth­er one. Uh, let’s go this way…


The kind of per­son to make this sort of joke ran­dom­ly and with­out warn­ing or con­text is prob­a­bly not a well liked rel­a­tive any­way. Calm down there.


I wish we could just be thank­ful for be­ing able to af­ford a turkey but, you know…


Woo! Be the rel­a­tive no­body likes at the din­ner ta­ble! Woo, pol­i­tics! There are so many posts about how these kids want to avoid talk­ing about pol­i­tics with rel­a­tives then post this.


Whoa! How did we end up in the porn al­ley? At least the turkey is in the bag for the pic­ture. That’s all I could have asked for. Moving along…


Oh my go. Just… let’s go. Keep mov­ing, and don’t stare. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Keep walk­ing, or so help me God.


How much do you want to bet their rel­a­tives aren’t even ac­tu­al­ly Neo-Nazis? They prob­a­bly just vot­ed Trump or some shit. There was ac­tu­al­ly a lot less Trump but­thurt here than I ex­pect­ed and it’s kind of refreshing.

Oh my God, that re­minds me. I have to show you the ve­g­ans. they’re a laugh an–

Ok, we’re out. No, we can’t have Thanksgiving din­ner for the last time, I keep telling you… Wait where are you go­ing? There’s no food. What is that? Stop eat­ing that! You’re eat­ing ran­dom food from a bag you found on the floor? 

*Watches you a while* Well I sup­pose if you’re fine af­ter this long… sure. 

*joins eat­ing the ran­dom Thanksgiving din­ner in the bag* This is ac­tu­al­ly re­al­ly good. I’m glad we broke canon for this! Happy Thanksgiving, reader!

Stay tuned for more canon­i­cal en­tries of Translating Tumblr!

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The old­est 12 year old. Also buy my mix­tape at

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