Translating Tumblr: Thanksgiving

It’s time for that weird holiday episode where everything that happens here is unrelated to — and outside of — the plot of our regular Tumblr Adventures™ and will never be mentioned again. Like it never happened! Kind of like most folks wish their Thanksgivings were.

Wake up! It’s Thanksgiving! What? Why would you ask for turkey? We’re in a fucking labyrinth. Do you see a shopping center around here? Didn’t think so. Check your privilege. Besides, you don’t want to say that around here anyway. Shh, just, shhh. Look out of the window, I hear someone coming.

Yep. That’s why. There goes another one!

You almost stepped right into White Guilt droppings.

Yes! Argue with your family over a holiday! Nobody will wish they could uninvite you right about now! Especially if it’s some Tumblr Brand racist comment that isn’t even racist and you’re bitching because someone said, “This turkey sure is overcooked. It’s way too black.”

I cannot even begin to address the stupid on that one. Speaking of history…

Ok, I understand that American schools for some reason typically teach that Columbus landed on the North American mainlands but it’s wrong. They actually do teach otherwise later on in middle and high school, but this tends to persist still in elementary level schooling. He landed in Cuba, however. TOPICAL! History lesson over. We have to move. Look down, don’t make eye contact, and try to blend in with the crowd. Follow me.

Harvest festivals are neat and all but, really? Yes, I remember the stories my grandma used to tell me about how the pilgrims sat down with the natives on the first Thanksgiving and just fucking murdered them right there in cold blood and their entire families.

I love charity, so this one gets a pass. For now. I told you, don’t make eye contact! Oh God! Someone is coming over. Be cool.

I know, I know. They’re making it about themselves. Just grit and bear it til they walk away. Quick, throw this bath bomb! Now run!

Damn it. Ran into another one. Uh, let’s go this way…

The kind of person to make this sort of joke randomly and without warning or context is probably not a well liked relative anyway. Calm down there.

I wish we could just be thankful for being able to afford a turkey but, you know…

Woo! Be the relative nobody likes at the dinner table! Woo, politics! There are so many posts about how these kids want to avoid talking about politics with relatives then post this.

Whoa! How did we end up in the porn alley? At least the turkey is in the bag for the picture. That’s all I could have asked for. Moving along…

Oh my go. Just… let’s go. Keep moving, and don’t stare. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Keep walking, or so help me God.

How much do you want to bet their relatives aren’t even actually Neo-Nazis? They probably just voted Trump or some shit. There was actually a lot less Trump butthurt here than I expected and it’s kind of refreshing.

Oh my God, that reminds me. I have to show you the vegans. they’re a laugh an–

Ok, we’re out. No, we can’t have Thanksgiving dinner for the last time, I keep telling you… Wait where are you going? There’s no food. What is that? Stop eating that! You’re eating random food from a bag you found on the floor?

*Watches you a while* Well I suppose if you’re fine after this long… sure.

*joins eating the random Thanksgiving dinner in the bag* This is actually really good. I’m glad we broke canon for this! Happy Thanksgiving, reader!

Stay tuned for more canonical entries of Translating Tumblr!